Alzheimer’s and Advent
This is her last night in her home of the past 46 years. Tomorrow morning she will be lovingly escorted to the East McComb Nursing Home where the last chapter of her life will begin. None of us know how long or short that chapter will be. Dad is 86, in relatively good health, and tired. He has cared for her as long as he could. Tonight he will sleep with her. Tomorrow night he will sleep by himself, alone for the first time in 60 years.
His questions have been fair. Why? Why her? Why now? Why this? Mom has spent her life in service to God and the church – pianist, church treasurer, Sunday School teacher, maker of Kool-Aid for 60 years worth of Vacation Bible Schools. Couldn’t have happened to a finer woman, but it did happen to her. Dad’s prayers, which have moved mountains across decades, did not budge this one. Alzheimer’s came, and kept on coming.
This morning at church, 500 miles away from Mom and Dad, we talked about the meaning of Advent. I sat behind Adrian, a middle-aged woman whose body was disfigured, whose eye patched, whose speech slurred and difficult. We were singing “peace and earth and mercy mild.” I’d prefer some mercy wild enough to heal a disease that has denied the prayers of the saints. But as we sang, her hands went into the air. And when the children came on stage to sing their choreographed songs, Adrian delighted in their physical movement to the Christmas music. I wondered if she remembered days long ago when she could move like that. I saw joy and hope and life. God came to Adrian this morning. I saw it with my own eyes.
Advent celebrates the coming of God. First in Jesus as an infant, finally in Jesus as the one who makes all things right. But in between these two comings there are millions. I saw one this morning.
Will there be another tomorrow morning at East McComb Nursing Home? Can God come to one whose grasp of history is fading, to one who cannot recall the Bible stories that have shaped her, to one who will soon wonder who the people are who are smiling at her? Can God visit someone who has Alzheimer’s? And will she know that God came?
As a trained theologian, I am not looking for a full-blown theodicy. I have preached sermons to people with my own questions and even written books to answer them. I know the answers. Religion, good religion, is loaded with very helpful answers. Bad religion isn’t worth the effort. But what I hope for this Advent is not answers but presence, the presence of God in the East McComb Nursing Home. I’ve never wished for that before, but I do now. I hope God comes there. I hope Mom recognizes God. I choose to believe both.
Blessed Advent,
Dan Boone
18 Responses to “Alzheimer’s and Advent”
WICK
December 20th, 2010 at 7:15 pm
Amen.
Josh Shope
December 20th, 2010 at 7:41 pm
Dr. Boone, my grandmother had Alzheimer’s too, and I know my dad had a really hard time as she began to forget who people were and turned into a very different person than she always was. But God was there through all of it, sometimes in the most surprising ways, and I know your mom, you, and your family will still be able to recognize God’s presence. Watching someone with Alzheimer’s change over time is a really strange and scary thing, but there are definitely welcomed times of peace during the time spent with this disease.
Debbie Brown
December 20th, 2010 at 7:45 pm
Ahhh, Dan Boone, my Friend,
My heart is filled and running over as I write to you. OF COURSE God can “come to her”! HE is her Maker. HE goes where we could never go. This I know from experience as a mom of a prodigal son!!! HE went there for me even as I had used up all of my human resources. My heart, my love, my education….nothing could go to my son….as my Lord did. He was my first resort and my last, desperate resort! Oh, and He did it more wonderfully and beautifully than I ever could have done!
That He brought my son back when my pleading could not, did not take away the facts, events, or hard work that would be ongoing with my son. However, it did prove to me/us that all that we had taught him was yet inside! It was not lost nor did it fade!
I will tell you that in my clinical experience at Trevecca towards my degree in Behavioral Science, I was amazed to see and hear first hand the bible songs, the scripture, come out of the mouths of those who knew nothing else in this world! I was told by professionals who do not profess anything, that these are the last things to leave one who loses all other faculties! I saw that in my father as he lay on his deathbed stricken by a stroke, unable to move or speak! As we prayed with him, a single tear slowly made its way down his cheek! I KNEW WHY!
Oh, yes, God is there! We do not have to see Him or have proof….but hold on to that faith as I surely know you do. Who am I to write such things to you? I have no theological degrees, no years of Christian leadership! I am one who prefers to serve quietly in the background. I am merely one whom God allowed to be the mother of a prodigal son! My life will never be the same!
The deepest joy we have is that we don’t have to “prove” as the world often does. We are given the gift of “knowing” the presence of the Babe in the manger when we need Him to be that as well as the Father who holds us tightly in His heart when that is what we need.
God bless you and yours this Christmas as you reflect upon the years of your loved one and as you celebrate with your family as they gather around you.
With much love to you and your precious family,
Debbie Brown (79)
pam
December 20th, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Poor Mrs Ruth. What a woman she is. Such a strong eoman of God & a wondetful example of living for the Lord.
Greg Rosser
December 20th, 2010 at 7:54 pm
Dan,
Thanks for your words. I’m dreading going home this Christmas as my Mom is a few months behind yours. Her aricept dosage has been increased this year & she still recognizes family…but it feels like we’re watching a slow fade to white. Physically she’s strong, but her ‘help’ in the kitchen is a mixed blessing. I understand your need for presence this Christmas. Grace & peace to you & your family in this season of life.
Vickie DeWees
December 20th, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Pastor Dan, you and your parents are in our prayers this Advent season. My father is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, I do feel your pain. Thankfully, God is still in control and is good, all the time. Give our love to Denise, the girls and their families, we have blessed memories of all of you!
Vickie DeWees
Mike Jackson
December 20th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
Dan – yesterday, my pastor friend Kyle preached a marvelous Advent sermon at Hendricks Ave. Baptist here in Jacksonville. He recalled a story by John Buchanan about a couple who had created a ritual with their toddler daughter – walking her to bed, tucking her in, saying prayers, a kiss on the forehead before the lights went out. She soon added a key component of the nightly ritual. As they were leaving the room, she would say every night, “Mommy, Daddy, please make some noise.” Kyle suggested that our Advent prayer is, “In this darkness, O God, please make some noise… so that we will know that you are there.” Kyle also reminded us that most of God’s noise is not in here (in the sanctuary) but out there, in the dark, if only we will be attentive to hear it (and see it) when it occurs. I join with you in your prayer for your mom (and dad) that through the unexpected and routine events of a nursing home life, God will make some noise.
Thanks for this thoughtful Advent devotional. Shalom, my brother! Mike
Daryl
December 20th, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Well said Dr. We went through this and these questions two years ago with Tracy’s mother. You have a great way of describing the journey. Praying for your family.
Daryl Blank
Sherri Johnson
December 20th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
Dan,
Thanks for allowing God to use you once again in your writing. This touched me very much. I only pray that we all will recognize God when He comes to us.
A very Blessed Christmas to you and your family.
Love and prayers – Sherri
Rusty Boone
December 20th, 2010 at 10:15 pm
Danny—I did not know until I read your facebook post that Aunt Ruth had gotten to this state. I know it has worn your dad down. This is one of the toughest decisions you, Vickie and Rose Anette will ever have to make. You may question, have we done the right thing? You have. It may not feel like it, but you have. It’s in God’s hands now. You have to let him have His will.
Boy Oh Boy—-What a MOM. What an example for all of us. Focus on all the great memories. Not the things she may do or say with the mind she now has.
I have not made it home much since mom passed but the last time I was there I took Harley to Kennedy School and walked the long hall. I was sharing with her many of my memories I had while in school there. I showed her where you use to live across from the school and my discussion about my early school years was over. She wanted to know all about ya’ll living there, Uncle Algie working for Sears, and everyone going home from school for lunch. We had a wonderful trip down memory lane.
If there is anything we can do, please let us know.
I want all of you to know we love you and ya’ll are in our prayers. Give her a big hug for me.
Cousin Rusty
Ken Maupin
December 20th, 2010 at 11:50 pm
I remember our feelings when Mom went to the rest home and gradually did not recognize any of us. Your writing touched me very much as I felt the same way but believed that God would take care of Mom even though I didn’t understand what was going on in her mind. She never complained. Thanks Dan for a wonderful writing.
Ken Maupin
Rodger Allen Jones
December 21st, 2010 at 2:22 am
Dan,
The questions are not only legitimate, they are powerfully appropriate. The inner world that takes people through Alzheimers is a journey to wish on no one. Especially those closest to the people that are held captive to watching a life change before their own eyes.
My experience was with a grandmother who even though she did not know my name, or knew who I was, I knew that God was a comfort in her mind. I knew this because she would talk of heaven as if she had already been there, and the way she described it made anyone hope and long for the experience.
We took a break from her room and I escorted her to the piano that was in the lobby area of the Nursing Home where she stayed. I always remembered she loved the scriptures and the old familiar hymns of the church that she participated in for years. I began to play and sing, “He Giveth More Grace…” and much to my surprise her eyes lit up and she not only began to sing, but remembered every word. I am not sure how long we sat there singing one song after another, but there was not a single hymn I would begin that she did not remember every last word and every verse. She sang with a feeble voice, but with the courage of youth. At that moment in time, I knew that even though her mind could not recall the things and people she cherished all through life past, that did not hinder the ability of her memories related to spiritual significance. I could see she was transported to a remembrance of time and place that only God could have shared with her and her alone. Dan, I am convinced that all those years are not lost in the tragedy of your mother’s now debilitating disease. The memories are there, locked in a world of seemingly limitations, and yet I believe somehow in a way that God will comfort her in the solitude of mind she will now experience. The difficulty is with those of us loved ones who reamain, like your father, you, and family, who have only past memories of the life experiences you once mutually shared together. You need God’s comfort also.
This season is also about Emanuel…God with us. That will be my prayer for your mother and all who were touched by her life.
Respectfully and hopeful,
Rodger
Teresa Reid
December 21st, 2010 at 3:40 am
Dan,
I am walking a road quite similar to yours. Mom is failing rapidly, and Daddy is tired. Decisions must be made fairly soon for my parents, too. I am grateful to know how much God loves my mom and dad, and that He will be real to them wherever they may be.
Thank you for sharing! Praying for your family.
Merry Christmas!
Teresa
Wilma Hearn
December 21st, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Dan,
My heart aches for you. I remember so vividly the day that my brother, sister and I took Mother to the Nursing Home. She too was an Alzheimer victim. It broke my heart when she could no longer recognize me. Until shortly before she died, she still could pray. May God bless you and your family as you go through this portion of the Journey.
martanovember
December 23rd, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Hi,
my mum organizes services and prayers for people with dementia and Alzheimers in Germany. Only last week, one lady, who is very unwell and does not recognize anybody and is frequently scared and anxious, got very calm after the mass. When my mother walked her to her room, she smiled and said “Nu is all Angst vorbei” (“Now all fear is over”). My mum knows that God was there that moment.
Caroline Caswell
December 24th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
My husband died a little less than 2 years ago at the age of 63 due to Alzheimers. God’s presence was never more visible in my life than during this troubled time and the peace that my husband had when I read or quoted scripture was certainly from God. Yes, God visited my husband and now I know that it was sometimes through the strength that God gave me that his presence was visible to my husband. Taking him to the nursing home was the hardest thing I ever had to do – I don’t think either of us could have adjusted without the help and presence of God.
I am so sorry that your family has to go through this but rest assured, God will be there!
Chuck Millhuff
December 30th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
Dan Jeanne’s mom took that strange and
heartbreaking journey years ago. The doctors told us she was fine we were the ones that were suffering. Well he had part of that right. Iprayi
Jimmy Blackman
January 13th, 2011 at 11:43 pm
Thanks for these words, my friend. Sandy’s grandfather made the move to McKendree Nursing Home in Hermitage just after Thanksgiving, and now we are in the middle of that same process for Sandy’s grandmother. Pop and Mimi are 94 and 92 and will celebrate 75 years of marriage in the spring (Lord willing). Sandy’s mom Judy is tired and has done all she can do to care for them. I am thankful for God’s providence that has allowed us to be here during this time of transition. I look forward to showing Judy your words–they will be an encouragement to her.
Sandy has spent considerable time over the past weeks with Pop and with Mimi in the hospital and the nursing home. She said that both of them had moments in the hospital where they began to preach like they did for so many years as pastors and evangelists. Somehow His presence and His call are still there. Thanks be to God for His faithfulness!
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